I realise that I have been a very horrible person and ungrateful child. I should be thankful that my mom is still around and I should be thinking of how to be filial and all that instead of being worked up over petty little things. I re-read some stuff and again I'm struck with guilt that I'm so self-centred.

So, I resolved to be a better person this year. To treat my parents better. To pray for them more, health and salvation. To complain less. Yes, this will be hard. I will try. By God's grace I will be a better person this year. A better child to my parents.

I don't know what's happening. I've been angry with my mom. Yes, it's probably the feeling. It's strange since the sermon this past week has got to do with forgiveness.

I don't know what exactly I'm angry about, actually. It's just that I still can't shake this feeling that my mom plays favourites and I'm always get the shortest stick. I remember in chuch, I was praying a lot about forgiving my mom. Since returning home, my relationship with her has been awkward. I'm trying to be nice to her, but she really gets on my nerves at times. So I would repent and ask for forgiveness. It's been a cyclical thing.

Then Sunday, I came home from soccer practice. Not mine, but anyway, turns out she hadn't had dinner yet. So, after getting the rice, I told her that there's still alot of rice left in the pot. She should eat dinner. I thought she might be worried that there's not enough for the boys. But there's actually enought, at least to my mind. But she was like, that little rice. I don't want to eat. I'm not hungry. Then I was saying about this to my sis. She thought I was making a big fuss about it. Like I was being my crazy self or something, I guess. But she didn't know the situation. I was just saying that my mom was planning not to eat dinner, but there's actually enough food for everyone. Then my sis was like why are you making a fuss. She's only cooking the egg for the boys. This went on for a while. And I was like whatever liao. Then sis went to the kitchen and told her to have her dinner. And she did.

My problem is that when I told her to eat, I thought I was being thoughtful and concerned. She's on medication and needs to have food before taking them. When I asked her if she's had her meal, it was a question of concern, etc. But her reply was really curt. And the whole attitude was like... And then when my sis asked her, she didn't say anything. She went ahead to have her dinner.

I just felt like the unwanted daughter.

Another incident, on the same day, also about dinner. One of the boys had finished dinner. I asked him to take his plate to the kitchen. It's good training for them. Children should not be treated like kings. Let them learn some responsibility. And she was like, no need. I'll do it. And I was like, it's okay let him take his own plate. And she was like I'm going to the kitchen anyway. And then she stood up and cleared the plate. I'm like, so whatever I say counts for nothing. It's not like I'm mistreating your precious grandson. You're doing him more harm than good, spoiling him rotten like that.

I'm frustrated, more than angry. Hurt too. I felt that these almost 2 years, I've been trying so hard. I've tried to be nice. I've done the housework when my sis can't be bothered. I've taken her out for lunch and all that. But in the end, it all counts for squat.

What's the point of coming back home if she's like that to me. In the end, she complained that my dad drove me away, but it's her. I have to admit it, to myself, and God knows, sometimes, I really dislike her. I don't know why, and I don't know when it started, but I dislike her. I'm trying to love her. I'm trying to forgive her, to bless her and pray that she prosper. But it's not easy when she's like that. I feel like she's never appreciated what I've done. What I had to give up. She tells her mom that I came back because it's lonely being alone there. It was, but I would rather be there than here right now. I would trade the loneliness for this. I would.

I gave up my dreams to come back here for her. But she doesn't appreciate it. She takes it and me for granted. She is the one who is doing whatever she accused my dad of doing. She plays favourites. She only sees my as a money-tree. She always only know how to complain to me about his money-spending ways. But I don't want to hear that. How can you bad-mouth my father to me?

I'm going away again. I have to, for my sanity. I don't like living under the same roof as her.

I wish so much to be able to forgive her and let the wounds heal. She doesn't even know what she's done.

I'm well and truly lost. I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm headed.

I had a really strange meeting with head. Basically, it was all water under the bridge when the day of the seating came. I was really nervous, but the I thought it went okay, i.e., there weren't any major hiccups.

Then, at the evaluation, I was dropped a bomb. I bombed. But in a way, I wasn't really that shocked. I've been feeling like a fish out of water for the whole of the time since the beginning. But I guess to hear it said to you is a shocker. But I wasn't really against the head, you know what I mean?

Anyway, after a couple of days, when I was in partial denial and then finally acceptance and moving on, the head sprang another surprise on me. She was saying that she wants me back. I was like, huh? But I thought... I was like ...

I guess it is God's way to console me. But I'm still lost. Even though God also sent another angel in the form of a former stud to encourage me. I still feel like this is not what I want to do. I'm so confused. I hate this thing that I am doing. I don't like being put up there for others to judge. I'm so insecure about it. I just want to hide in an office and do my work quietly and then go home and rot quietly in a corner. Not have to go through all these.

I'm so conflicted. And very LOST.

I woke up this morning with my parents quarrelling. To be exact, it's my mum nagging my dad. But more like scolding him. Early in the morning, It didn't really let up for the next hour and half. So sian. To have to be here to listen to all this.

Then on top of that, got message from the top again. Feel so sian. Like maybe don't have to say it that way. But it's like total breakdown now. When you put it like that. Feel like I can't even face you anymore. Like still have the look see next week how? Haiz...

Nevermind. Look at the bright side of things. If I flop, they would have to sack me. But not a loss for me since I didn't want this in the first place. As for next year, can forget about it. I think it's not going to happen. Of course I'm sad. Lost of income. But God will provide. I'm sure about it.

Just pray that next weeks look see is okay. Bet she'll have some nasty things to say. But I'll just have to bear with it. It will be over soon.

I've sent my CV to 2 places this week. One's local, related to the course I'm back in school for, the other is foreign, related to my job specs all my life so far. Both I'm not that qualified for, but what the heck. The local one, in particular, I'm very underqualified, and I was really hesitant about applying. In fact, I'm now kinda regretting applying, but...

If both offered, which one would I pick, I think the foreign one. But hard to say. I keep swinging. Yesterday, I would have pick the local one, for job security as it would be considered a permanent job. I'm too old to be hopping around. But today, I think if the foreign one offers, I can't pass up such a good opportunity. And something that I've always dreamt about. I can always come back and apply for the local one again, right? Unless they offer now and I reject, then that is bad hor. Quite confused. But in any case, it's not like I'm offered or anything. For all you know, both may just chuck my cv in the bin.

That's not why I'm depressed and stressed out. Althought that could be reason enough...

It's the part-time job. The one that I got back in Jan. Well, this time, they have put me to do another course which is totally different from my forte. It sucks, being thrown into the deep end. So often, I feel like I have no idea what I am doing in class. And everytime I want to ask someone, I feel like I'm so dumb, have to ask such questions. It's depressing. Especially since it's so difficult to get to know your charges. I feel like I need to keep the distance and not be too friendly, but it's not me. So I feel so out of sorts. And afraid of imparting the wrong thing.

In addition, I don't know what the head thinks. I've been getting in touch with her, and she commented on that. I don't know if it's sincere or sarcasm. I have a feeling she hates my guts now for my bothersome questions and requests. But it stems from my insecurity and wanting to do a good job. But it may seem irritating to her, I guess. Anways, she's coming for a seating next week. So not looking forward to it. The only consolation in all this is that there's a comrade who feels as lost as I do. And as insecure. But then, that doesn't solve the problem hor.

And just today, I got a message from her (head, not comrade) about my miss. Something I failed to do. But not sure if it's really my fault, so I texted her that it might not be my miss. Not sure how she will take it. I mean I could have just kept quiet and assume responsibility for the miss. But what if it's not my fault? So in the end I chose to say that it might not be me. But she may not take it well. So stressed. This job is depressing. I just want to get out. I find that I'm not really a stick-to-it-er. I tend to want to run away when the going gets tough. Of course I don't. Too afraid. But yah, I'm not a perseverant person.

I've been reading the bible again.

Confession time - I've not been reading it for a long time. I still attend church, but my spiritual walk hasn't been much of a walk.

But recently, I've taken an interest in reading again. It's probably related to the series of sermons in church about the OT heroes. That got be interested. And I've started reading. And I've also started reading some Christian literature as well.

I feel happy about it. I hate living like a hippocrate. And I feel weak trying to do things that I think will please God, but in my own power and strength. I need God.

Recently, I went back to the hospital for the problem that landed me in the hospital A&E at the beginning of the year. I was so hoping that I didn't have to go back. It was really embarrassing. I wished it would go away. I prayed it would go away. I prayed for healing. I prayed for a miracle. But it didn't go away. And I had no choice but to go back to see the doctor.

I was there again yesterday. They did a scope. I'll go back to the hospital to see the doc in two weeks. I don't think it is anything serious, but I don't think it will go away. Unless God really intervent for me and heal me miraculously. But I'm not sure if I believe that is possible. It's like in my heart, I want to believe in the possibility. But my head is too rational and I can't totally commit to that. That's from being a cynical sceptical pessimist.

I'm still hoping, I guess. I really want it to go away, although I'm also kinda resigned that it will stay and I might need surgery one day, which I'm so hoping not to.

But this wasn't why I'm writing today,

I just wanted to write that I'm reading again, and I hope that I will continue to do so. To nurse both my physical and spiritual man to heal, strength and vitality, as corny as that sounds.

The part-time job I mentioned previously has come to an end. It's the hols for them and that means no income.

But, lo and behold, I got a call the other day to go for an interview at another place. I went, messed up and still got the job. It doesn't pay as well, but I'll be doing something different and at least some $ is coming in.

It is easy to let it get into my head, but I haven't. I know that all would not be possible without Him. When I was at the briefing, I was quite intimidated. All the other part-timers there were angmohs. It can get quite stressful. But I will try not to let that get to me.

Yesterday, at church, the pastor said that it is easier to draw close to God when we are down than when we are enjoying success. I agree. Yet, at this point, I am aware that I should not let all these get to my head. I don't view my success as my own. Not possible on my own. It was all Him. I want to be broken. To humble myself before Him. I know that I have low self-esteem at times, but I want instead that I have confidence not in myself but in Him.

I'm still struggling with whether to go into something new, to make use of my new qualifications or to continue with teaching...

I was bored, and did this online IQ test. I scored 136. I wonder if I can get into Mensa. Hahaha... not that I really care about that now. In the past, yes, I would have been interested...

Anyway, after that test, I went on to do another - the Myer-Briggs one. I've done simiar ones before. But it seems the results this time round are different. I rememeber being a Guardian (ESTJ). That was like 10 years ago or so. So, what's the result this time? *drum rolls* I'm an Artist (ISFP).

Reading through the profile for the Artist, I think it's very close to who I am.

The Artist

As an ISFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in via your five sense in a literal, concrete fashion.

ISFPs live in the world of sensation possibilities. They are keenly in tune with the way things look, taste, sound, feel and smell. They have a strong aesthetic appreciation for art, and are likely to be artists in some form, because they are unusually gifted at creating and composing things which will strongly affect the senses. They have a strong set of values, which they strive to consistently meet in their lives. They need to feel as if they're living their lives in accordance with what they feel is right, and will rebel against anything which conflicts with that goal. They're likely to choose jobs and careers which allow them the freedom of working towards the realization of their value-oriented personal goals.

ISFPs tend to be quiet and reserved, and difficult to get to know well. They hold back their ideas and opinions except from those who they are closest to. They are likely to be kind, gentle and sensitive in their dealings with others. They are interested in contributing to people's sense of well-being and happiness, and will put a great deal of effort and energy into tasks which they believe in.

ISFPs have a strong affinity for aesthetics and beauty. They're likely to be animal lovers, and to have a true appreciation for the beauties of nature. They're original and independent, and need to have personal space. They value people who take the time to understand the ISFP, and who support the ISFP in pursuing their goals in their own, unique way. People who don't know them well may see their unique way of life as a sign of carefree light-heartedness, but the ISFP actually takes life very seriously, constantly gathering specific information and shifting it through their value systems, in search for clarification and underlying meaning.

ISFPs are action-oriented individuals. They are "doers", and are usually uncomfortable with theorizing concepts and ideas, unless they see a practical application. They learn best in a "hands-on" environment, and consequently may become easily bored with the traditional teaching methods, which emphasize abstract thinking. They do not like impersonal analysis, and are uncomfortable with the idea of making decisions based strictly on logic. Their strong value systems demand that decisions are evaluated against their subjective beliefs, rather than against some objective rules or laws.

ISFPs are extremely perceptive and aware of others. They constantly gather specific information about people, and seek to discover what it means. They are usually penetratingly accurate in their perceptions of others.

ISFPs are warm and sympathetic. They genuinely care about people, and are strongly service-oriented in their desire to please. They have an unusually deep well of caring for those who are close to them, and are likely to show their love through actions, rather than words.

ISFPs have no desire to lead or control others, just as they have no desire to be led or controlled by others. They need space and time alone to evaluate the circumstances of their life against their value system, and are likely to respect other people's needs for the same.

The ISFP is likely to not give themself enough credit for the things which they do extremely well. Their strong value systems can lead them to be intensely perfectionist, and cause them to judge themselves with unneccesary harshness.

The ISFP has many special gifts for the world, especially in the areas of creating artistic sensation, and selflessly serving others. Life is not likely to be extremely easy for the ISFP, because they take life so seriously, but they have the tools to make their lives and the lives of those close to them richly rewarding experiences.

ISFPs generally have the following traits:

• Keen awareness of their environment
• Live in the present moment
• Enjoy a slower pace - they like to take time to savor the present moment
• Dislike dealing with theory or abstract thought, unless they see a practical application
  
• Faithful and loyal to people and ideas which are important to them
• Individualistic, having no desire to lead or follow (actually, don't mind following as long as the leader is a principled one)
  
• Take things seriously, although they frequently appear not to
• Special bond with children and animals
• Quiet and reserved, except with people they know extremely well (BINGO!)
  
• Trusting, sensitive, and kind
• Service-oriented; they're driven to help others (that is true - I always have an urge to help people who are lost or carrying maps looking lost, except I don't think I would be of much help so I always don't offer)
  
• Extremely well-developed appreciation for aesthetic beauty
• Likely to be original and unconventional
• Learn best with hands-on training
  
• Hate being confined to strict schedules and regimens
• Need space and freedom to do things their own way (yes, definitely need my own space)
  
• Dislike mundane, routine tasks, but will perform them if necessary

The ISFP is a very special individual who needs to have a career which is more than a job. The middle of the road is not likely to be a place where they will be fulfilled and happy. They need to have a career which is consistent with their strong core of inner values. Since they prefer to live in the current moment, and take the time to savor it, they do not do well with some of the more fast-paced corporate environments (quite right - I never feel I'm cut out for the corporate world, although I would love to do that). They need a great deal of space and freedom if they are going to function in their natural realm of acute sensory awareness. If they give free reign to their natural abilities, they may find a wonderful artist within themselves. Almost every major artist in the world has been an ISFP (I feel honoured, since I'm an amature artist, yet it also feels like I have the same artistic temperament - doesn't sound good). Since the ISFP is so acutely aware of people's feelings and reactions, and is driven by their inner values to help people, the ISFP is also a natural counselor and teacher.

Possible Career Paths for the ISFP:

• Artist
• Musician / Composer
• Designer
• Child Care / Early Childhood Development
• Social Worker / Counselor
• Teacher
• Psychologist
• Veterinarian
• Forest Ranger
• Pediatrician

Seems like teaching will stay with me for a while yet. Even the Guardian profile has teaching.

Do I believe this? I won't say I totally disbelieve, but at the same time, I won't treat this like the definitive guide. I think it's good to see how I've changed, and more importantly, to see how I can be used by God.

I've always felt that perhaps teaching is the talents that God has given me, plus all the opportunities he has given me, and I should not hide it like the guy who buried his talents in the ground. Except I'm doing it not so much out of fear but laziness. And perhaps a lack of confidence. Teaching really saps me of my energy and I always feel so tired. Plus I'm always plagued with self-doubt and questions of my ability and competence.

In a way, my lack of confidence, my low self-esteem is like the torn in Paul's flesh. It reminds me of my inadequacy and helps me to stay humble. Otherwise, it will all go to my head, the things I've been able to do. I know it's only because of His grace that I have been so blessed.

The part-time job. I got it. I had also indicated that I was willing to do 2 classes and they have given me that. Wow... I am still in shock.

I can only say, God is amazing. Amazing good to me. What Elizabeth said comes back to me - God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame. Elizabeth Bennett Brown, the poet. You know, I had actually applied to a few places, some okay places, some pretty dubious (doing it for the money) places. But by far, this is the best place. And it was by chance. And remember, I didn't rate my chances that well. And also, there's kind of a rivalry between it and the place I got my qualifications such that they don't usually hire graduates from my school. But, I guess my last minute effort to remind them that I was also a grad from there (grad of both rivals) might have helped. I can't really say. I only know that it is all due to God's grace.

As I said before, it is a huge boost to my esteem and ego. And God knows I really need it. Everything seem to fall into place and I don't feel so bad about coming back home already. Actually not true. I still think that I should have stayed on, but I don't feel it so keenly anymore. I'm slowly accepting it.

I also chanced upon a ship that I want to work on after I finish my course. It's a travelling school. I'm working towards that. Praying that it is within God's plan for me. That would be like fulfilling a childhood dream of working on a ship. Wow.

I'm near the end of the first semester at school. So far, there's been lots of thoughts of quitting. In fact, there's class in 15 minutes, but I'm skipping. I hate Monday's class and usually after it, I think of quitting. But I'm hanging in there. Even though I have crappy team-mates for my group projects and I am procrastinating writing a term paper that's due in 3 days. I'm hanging in there. Because I'm not a quitter.

I just went to an interview for a part-time job at one of my alma-maters. I hope I get it. The money would be useful. It will look extremely good on my resume. I think I did okay for the interview. They sounded interested. But one of the ladies, the coordinator looks stern. She didn't look impressed. In fact, she didn't smile at all. The other 2 were friendly. So I feel like I've blown it. But I really wish to get it. The money is good. I've said that already hor. But it is really good. It would be a good boost for my esteem and ego.

But I guess if I don't get that, then I want to believe that God has better plans. Because God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame.