I have to admit, I was planning to rant. That was my intention. I wanted to log on and just complain and complain. To just my guts and vernom on the people that I am unhappy with. But after reading my last entry, I feel so much better. I sort of gave me some peace, and I don't feel so filled with hatred and unhappiness anymore.

I have received good news from the university. I am accepted in the postgrad course. Classes start in August and will last for a year. I am having apprehension about taking this course. Really wondering if this is what I want to do. Like what options lay open for me when I do get that piece of paper to go with all the pieces of paper I have in my collection? But I also figure, who am I to argue if God has opened this door for me.

Some people are wondering, wow, going back to school? So rich ah, blah blah blah. I am offended. But then, it doesn't take much to offend me these days. But I feel so tired of having to explain to people why I want to do this course, or any course. Like why does everything have to be about money? In the end, I feel like I don't want to have anything to do with such people. That is why I have been keeping my distance with certain people who ask me such questions. Like there's nothing else to talk about anymore. Then, that this the extent of our friendship. I rather not.

I wanted to complain and write about how much I hate it here. That I might have made a big fat mistake coming home. That things are still the same here, that my sisters are still the slobs and I am still Cinderella, that my mom is so unfair and I hate her for always complaining and then being mean to my dad. That I've left a good job for nothing. That my sisters are taking advantage of me.

But reading my last post, I realised how blessed (I wanted to write lucky but then I think it is probably nothing to do with luck) I was. My mom is okay now. I remember being far from home and fearing that I might not have the chance to do the filial daughter thing. So I should be less of a brat and be a better kid.

Also, as for having second thoughts whether to do the postgrad or go back to teaching, all thoughts about going back to teaching have been laid to rest (cremeted and thrown into the sea), I met up with ex-co-workers still fighting the battle. It sounds terrible. Worst than when I was still in the battlefield. I have also thought of teaching at a poly. There was a place hiring, and the right up fitted me to a T. But the thought of being in the classroom just doesn't interest me anymore. I just want to be an ordinary office worker. Although I am really worried about office politics. But that will not be till a long while. I mean working in an office.

So, I will go ahead with this postgrad thingy. I'm really not sure if there will be enough jobs to go around when I do graduate, but I guess I want to believe that God will provide.

I've been back for 68 days and alot of these days, I feel like maybe I've made the wrong decision in coming back for good.

It's hard to say. I know I've said that at times I regret going LotRS, and can't wait to come home, but yet, back home, there are times I wish I were somewhere else. I miss my life in LotRS, I guess.

I wonder if I'd been too hasty in making the decision to come home. Especially now that my mom is so much better.

When I receive news from friends in LotRS, I feel so bad. It's like I'm missing out. I wish I could be there. I wonder about the kids. Those that were at church those last few weeks. Are they still going?

Sometimes I see ads for jobs in LotRS and I wonder if I should apply so I can go back. I feel like it's probably the best place for me.

But in the end I'm still here. After 68 days, I'm still jobless. I've not even applied to anything since coming back. I'm that bo-chap. I really have no idea what I want. I'm lost.

I only know I wish I could go away again. Anywhere is okay. I just don't like it here. In the past, when I was in LotRS, I felt that my life is like on hold. Like I'm just staying there temporarily and that I would have to go back to "reality" one day. Now that I'm back to this "reality", it doesn't feel like reality anymore. It feels like a temporal place until I head out somewhere again. I'm so confused.

As much as I regret coming back so soon, I guess I can say I don't regret quitting the job. When I think about how horrible that cfh (colleague from hell) was, I don't regret leaving at all. I don't think I would have been able to stand working another day with such a total assh*le. So in that aspect, I don't regret.

I keep reminding myself. That if God was good enough to give me such a good posting, then, he would surely be good again and bless me with another good posting. Or one that is even better. So I'm leaving for better things. I have to think that way. Or I will collapse from regret.

Anyway, I've applied to go back to school. I will know soon enough if I'm accepted. I'm praying that I will be. A change of environment would be good.

I've started applying to some places back home, in preparation for my restarting my life back home. I'm really looking forward to going home.

I've actually applied to three places. 2 were advertising, 1 was unsolicited. I really don't like the on-line application forms they make you fill out. Some information I don't feel like giving because I feel that it's not really important for the job. And there's limited space to give reasons and explanations. But, oh well. I guess the waiting game has began.

My first choice is a place I'm totally unqualified for in terms of training and experience. Absolutely zero. But I'm thinking of getting qualified, as in going back to school for a degree. They didn't give me a chance to explain that in the application form.

The other 2 choices, I feel I'm qualified for them, both in terms of experience and training. But they didn't give me a lot of space to explain why I'm here applying for a job there.

Anyway, it's all out of my hands. I don't feel as fretful as the last - when I applied for THIS job. I guess I'm taking it easy now. I just don't like the waiting game.

But I will trust in God. Coz every good and perfect gift is from Him.

I feel like censoring myself - deleting some past entries. As I re-read some of them, I sound like such a miserable dope. Which I probably am. But in a way, I'm glad I recorded those those and feelings down.

I remember when I started this blog, my intention was to record God's grace as I stand at the cross-road of my life. Okay, maybe too dramatic. But I was job-hunting and I wanted to record the process. I truly believe that God blesses more than what we ask for. So, I got the job that I could only dream of. It was more than a dream come true.

One of the things I've been struggling with for the past 2 weeks was the decision I'd made about going home. One of the reasons for leaving was I didn't feel appreciated here. That the work that I've done accounts to nothing. I felt like people can't wait for me to go, or at the very least, they can't be bothered anyway.

Thing is, after I'd made the decision to leave, and it was made known, I had all these feedback to the contrary. People start expressing their regret that I'm leaving so soon, telling me how my students really love me, etc.  I'm like, you should have told me earlier. And my boss says things that I wish he had said earlier. I felt that if he had told me half of the things he said, about what he thinks about my contribution before I'd made up my mind, perhaps I might not have decided to leave.

But after yesterday, I can't be more sure. And in a way, I think it is good that I didn't know before I made up my mind. Because it would have been very tough for me to decide to leave.

So what happened yesterday?

To backtrack a bit, the main reasons for not wanting to continue teaching here are:

Finally, I've made up my mind. No need to make any list. I'm going home.

My reading for quiet-time (which I have to admit, I have been neglecting for a while) for the past couple of days:

1) But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. ~ 1 Timothy 6:6-8

Contentment makes much of little; greed makes little of much. Contentment is the poor man's riches and desire the rich man's poverty. ~ John Quincy Adams

I'm halfway through the book.

I know. if I had been diligently reading the book everyday, I would have finished reading it by now. But diligence has never been one of my strengths. In fact, do I have any strengths to speak of?

Anyway, since that near breakdown, it's been up and down. I've gone back to church, although I have to admit, only physically there. I missed again for 2 weeks running because I was ill last week (that is another horror story) and the week before, I went to the international service. The point is, when people saw me, they were going "hisashibuli" which is like "long time no see". It makes me feel bad. Don't know whether it's intentional, or they are clueless. Anyway, I've decided to start going to the international service instead. I'm not being petty (maybe I am), but there are several other reasons for jumping. The main being the language - it's in English. I guess I was being naive when I decided to stay at the Jap one last year thinking that my Jap would improve. It will never happen and I just seem like a dork because I can't speak my mind and I don't understand what they are talking about.

As for pushing the decision until I finish reading the book, I wonder about that. Whether the book is even helpful for the decision making process. I guess the book I should really be reading and consulting is the BIBLE.

It's difficult not to think about this big question about whether to leave or to stay. Quite frankly, I hate it here. There, I've said it. I HATE it here. I hate myself for hating it here, since I wanted so much to come, but that doesn't stop me from hating it here.

I hate having to clean the house, cook for one person, not being able to really talk about things of real importance with people. I hate being stupid because I still can't master understand what people are saying and can't give an answer without sounding like a dork. I hate my job. Yes, it's a great job, and there are things I like about it and am grateful to God for. But there are also things I really dislike. Like my colleagues. They probably hate me too, so I guess it's even. And I hate being treating like a second-rate citizen.

Most of all, I hate myself. For having so much hatred. I guess I'm not making sense. But I don't want to be like this. I want to enjoy my time here. But I'm not. I'm so sian. So bored.

I just want to go home. Either one.

Well, I guess, end of rant. I just needed to get it out. Although this is only half of the story. Maybe I will finish the rest another time.

It's Sunday today. I should be in church. But I'm here typing this. Which means I'm not in church. I skipped church. I didn't want to go. I feel bad about skipping, but it's too painful.

I have seen that every labor and every skill which is done is the result of rivalry between man and his neighbour, This too is vanity and striving after wind. ~ Ecclesiastes 4:4